Musings of a Mental Leader
by PlayingMindGames33
Summary: He's done with a lot of things, and normally he'd be ok. However, he has no one to lean on; no one to talk to; no one to listen. Rated M for language.


CG: JEEZ, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME.

CG: I CAN'T FUCKING SLEEP.

CG: IT'S LIKE I'M STUCK IN A STATE WHERE I AM TOO EXHAUSTED TO DO ANYTHING REMOTELY PRODUCTIVE, BUT JUST AWAKE ENOUGH TO NOT BE ABLE TO CLOSE MY EYES COMFORTABLY FOR MORE THAN TWO SHITTY MINUTES.

CG: I KEEP HAVING NIGHTMARES THAT GET WORSE AND WORSE.

CG: IT'S AS IF MY BODY HAS BECOME ALLERGIC TO SLEEP AND THE ADVERSE REACTION THAT I GET IF I ACTUALLY SUCCUM TO DOING SOMETHING THAT MIGHT BE BENEFICIAL FOR MY HEALTH, IS TO BE SHOT IN THE FACE WITH A SPLASH OF "STAY THE FUCK AWAKE, YOU UNDESERVING MORON, AND THINK ABOUT YOUR FUCKING LAMEASS EXCUSE OF A LIFE".

CG: SO I GUESS I'LL JUST WRITE ABOUT MY INSIGNIFICANT EXISTENCE AND CRY ABOUT IT.

CG: THAT SEEMS TO BE ALL I'M GOOD FOR ANYMORE.

CG: WHERE TO START…

CG: AH YES.

CG: I'M GOING TO START WITH THE SHITTY PEOPLE THAT SEEM TO TAKE PARTICULAR ENJOYMENT IN STICKING THEIR ANNOYING SNUFFNODES INTO MY FUCKING BUSINESS.

CG: WHICH IS NO ONE ANYMORE.

CG: I'VE GONE FROM BEING BUGGED AND HARASSED BY MY HALF ASSED TEAM TO BEING LITTLE LESS THAN IGNORED BY EVERYONE.

CG: SURE, PRACTICALLY EVERYONE IS FUCKING DEAD. AND IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE MY POOR, LAME, WIMPY, INEFFECTIVE, LEADERSHIP SKILLS THAT MORE CLOSER RESEMBLE SHITSTAINS ON A CARPET IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIVE STAR HOTEL, GOT MORE THAN HALF OF MY FUCKING TEAM KILLED.

CG: NOW THE PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL ALIVE DON'T EVEN HAVE A SLIGHT FORM OF COMPASSION OR WHATEVER THAT UNSEEN HUMAN AFFECTION IS TO CHECK IN ON ME EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE.

CG: I MEAN FACE THE FACTS HERE, VANTAS:

CG: TEREZI…

CG: PROBABLY THE ONLY FUCKING PERSON IN THE ENTIRETY OF ALTERNIA WHO I'D EVER WANT TO BE WITH.

CG: WHO I CANNOT GET OUT OF MY THINKPAN FOR THE FUCKING LIFE OF ME, EVEN IF IT MEANT DYING BY BEING STABBED REPEATEDLY IN THE FACE OR BEING HUNG UP BY MY WRISTS AND SHOT IN THE GODDAMN CHEST.

CG: WHO I COMPLETELY FUCKED UP WITH AND STILL CAN'T FORGIVE MYSELF FOR BEING SUCH A REPULSIVE NUBSLURPER.

CG: GOD.

CG: SOMETIMES, I WONDER HOW I CAN EVEN STAND MYSELF AND MY DUMBASS FREQUENT AS AN UNMEDICATED MENTAL PATIENT'S SPAZMS MISTAKES.

CG: I USED TO THINK I WAS MY OWN KISMESIS, BACK WHEN I WAS AN ASSBACKWARD NOOKWHIFF OF AN IMMATURE WIGGLER SORRY EXCUSE OF A 6 SWEEP OLD DUMBFUCK.

CG: MAYBE THIS IS HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE?

CG: LIKE I'M MEANT TO BE THE CRAPPY MORON WITH NOT A CLUE HOW TO COMPUTE FEELINGS AND CONVEY THEM TO OTHERS WITHOUT MAKING THEM WANT TO ERUPT SKYWARD BARFING OUT THEIR ENTIRE GASTROINTESTINAL SYSTEM.

CG: MOVING RIGHT THE FUCK ALONG BECAUSE MY FUCKED UP RED/BLACK QUADRANTS AREN'T THE ONLY COMPLETELY MESSED UP PART OF MY SEEMINGLY UNPITIABLE EXISTENCE.

CG: THEN THERE'S DAVE,

CG: WELL OK HE'S NOT TOO BAD ANYMORE.

CG: WE'VE ACTUALLY COME TO SOME SORT OF STRANGE UNDERSTANDING AND TRUCE DURING THE TIME WE'VE SPENT TOGETHER ON THIS ROCK.

CG: WE ARE BROS SURE, BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN ACTUALLY HAVE A PUMPING ORGAN CONTROLLING LIQUID LIFE SUBSTANCE TO PUMPING ORGAN WITH THE GUY.

CG: HE MAY BE A DORK, BUT IS STILL TOO ALOOF TO BE SERIOUS WITH.

CG: AND I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE I COULD EVEN TRY OPENING UP TO KANAYA.

CG: I CANNOT EVEN PIN HER DOWN FOR A FUCKING SECOND OR EVEN HAVE HER BE CALM OR ATTENTIVE ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY MAKE A MODICUM OF A DIFFERENCE.

CG: SHE USED TO BE KIND OF THERE FOR ME, BUT NOW IT'S ALL ABOUT ROSE.

CG: KANAYA IS ALWAYS WITH ROSE, SCHMOOZING AND WOOING THE DRUNKEN FUCKTART.

CG: ROSE IS ALWAYS PLASTERED, ASLEEP, OR OTHERWISE ENGAGED. BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I'D EVEN WANT TO ATTEMPT ANOTHER CONVERSATION WITH HER WHEN SHE'S SOBER.

CG: ALL SHE DOES IS ANALYZE ME AND TRY TO FIGURE OUT WHY I'M SUCH AN ANGRY PERSON. WELL SHIT, EXCUSE ME FOR HAVING ENOUGH COMPASSION AND EMOTIONS FOR EVERYONE IN THE FUCKING UNIVERSE THAT I TEND TO YELL AT PEOPLE WHEN THEY'RE ACTING LIKE COMPLETE AND TOTAL RETARDED HEADCASES.

CG: IT'S NONE OF YOUR PROBING BUSINESS, YOU ASSBACKWARD FAILED PSYCHIATRIST.

CG: SPEAKING OF MENTAL PROBLEMS.

CG: THEN THERE'S GAMZEE.

CG: THAT FUCKING ASSHOLE, SHITSTAINED, BARF-FILLED, RETARDED, UPSIDE DOWN, SADISTIC MENTAL CASE.

CG: ALL HE'S EVER DONE IS FUCKING HURT ME.

CG: I AM SO SICK OF ALL THE SHIT THAT HAS BEEN MERCILESSLY SPILLED FROM HIS GAPING TRAP.

CG: HIS HANDS BRING ABOUT DESTRUCTION THROUGH THE RAGE PUMPING THROUGH HIS ILLGOTTEN GODTIER.

CG: HIS MOUTH SPEWS DISTURBING NOISES OF REPEATED HONKS AND RANDOM GRAVELLY WORDS THAT I DON'T EVEN ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND ANYMORE.

CG: HE ISN'T EVEN MY FUCKING FRIEND ANYMORE. IT'S LIKE I DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM. HE'S CHANGED SO MUCH AND YET I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.

CG: I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN HE WOULD HAVE CHANGED FOR THE WORSE.

CG: THAT I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO STOP HIM.

CG: I JUST WISH THERE WAS SOMEONE WHO'D FUCKING LISTEN FOR ONCE.

CG: SOMEONE WHO WON'T JUDGE ME OR IGNORE ME IMMEDIATELY AFTERWARDS OR MAKE FUN OF ME FOR DAYS ON END OR BE TOO FAR GONE FOR IT TO HELP.

CG: JUST ONE DAMN PERSON…

CG: I SWEAR, I'M NOT GOING TO LAST MUCH LONGER WITH A FAKE BROMANCE, A TORN FRIENDSHIP, AN UNRELIABLE SHOULDER TO LEAN ON, THE ARM PULLING THAT RESTING POINT AWAY FROM ME, AND A BROKEN HEART.

CG: ...

CG: BUT...

CG: I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE I'M GOING TO KILL MYSELF.

CG: AS MUCH AS I FUCKING WANT TO. I DON'T BELONG HERE.

CG: NOT IN THIS WORLD, NOT WITH THEM, NOT AT ALL.

CG: AND YET, I DON'T DESERVE TO DIE IN PEACE AND WATCH EVERYONE FROM A DREAM BUBBLE SOMEWHERE. THAT WOULD BE TOO EASY WOULDN'T IT? I CAN'T DIE BECAUSE I HAVE TO SUFFER.

CG: I HAVE TO AT LEAST FUCKING TRY TO PULL IT TOGETHER EVEN THOUGH I DON'T HAVE ONE FUCKING PERSON TO SUPPORT ME.

CG: I'LL STAY HERE AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY BECAUSE THAT'S ALL I CAN DO.

CG: IT'S A LAME ASS EXCUSE FOR EXISTENCE.

CG: MAYBE I'LL BECOME SUCH A SHITTY LEADER THAT THEY'LL KILL ME IN MY SLEEP THEN I WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT IT AS THEY MOUNT MY HEAD ON A STICK AND GO OFF SOMEWHERE WITHOUT ME.

CG: YEAH, THEY'LL SICK GAMZEE ON ME LIKE SOME DIMENTED DOG, THEN ROSE AND KANAYA WILL GO OFF TO SOME LAND FILLED WITH LIGHT AND BOOKS AND SHIT, AND DAVE AND TEREZI WILL FIND SOME PLANET FILLED WITH COOL STUFF AND CRIMESCENES NEEDING INVESTIGATION.

CG: AND I'LL WATCH FROM THE DARKEST PORTION OF THE AFTERLIFE WHERE I'M SUPPOSED TO BE. HUDDLED BY THE ORB, WATCHING OVER THEM, PRETENDING NOTHING'S DIFFERENT, LIKE I'M STILL NEXT TO THEM.

CG: MAKING SURE THEY'RE OK AND NOT GETTING ANYTHING BUT A COLD HAND ON MY FACE WIPING AWAY MY OWN TEARS BECAUSE I CAN'T SEE MY FUCKING SCREEN NOW.

CG: GOD DAMN IT, KARKAT VANTAS.

CG: YOU ARE FUCKED UP.


End file.
